


never be me

by sunsetblurs



Category: NCT (Band), WayV (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending if you squint hard enough, Angst, But he's trying, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten Being an Asshole, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Sad Ending, but still, it's literally just one sentence and nothing's graphic, it's not all angst, very subtle hint at past abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:00:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28990374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetblurs/pseuds/sunsetblurs
Summary: No matter how hard Ten tried to make Yuta an exception in the rather long list of romantic misfortunes he was the cause of, it wasn't enough.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	never be me

**Author's Note:**

> if u want to support me, you can send me a [coffee](https://ko-fi.com/sunsetblurs) or two, i would be eternally grateful, and i'll also send a forehead kiss back!! 
> 
> i also do [commissions](https://sunsetblurs.carrd.co/#commissions) hehe <3

Ten would like to say that he didn’t mean what he said, but that would be a lie. The truth was that while he would like to _not_ mean it, his mind was filled with so much insecurity and doubt about the people close to him that he ended up meaning every single word; every part of his own uncertainty that he projected onto the person he loves – he meant it all.

It wasn’t always like that, believe it or not. Ten wasn’t born with the sole purpose of ruining relationships; or at least he hopes so, but it’s getting harder and harder to believe it as time passed and he ruins every good thing that comes his way. 

The first time Ten got into a relationship, it was all rainbows and butterflies; until it was storms and roaches.

Ten wasn’t one to be too unrealistic about the idea of love. He’s never expected someone to come around and change his life in a huge, irreversible way. All he really wanted was security, which to him seemed like something that should automatically come with a relationship. What he got, though, was someone who changed his life in a huge, irreversible way to the point where Ten didn’t know how to feel secure at all; not with someone else, not with himself. It was all gone.

Growing up in a household with the picture perfect parents who only ever argued about very minor things and where the term _holding a grudge_ didn’t exist, Ten was never shown or told just how dangerous love can be. How the person you think you love the most in the world can turn out to be the worst thing that could ever happen to you. Ten wasn’t conditioned to even consider that as an option, and so he never did.

However, being stuck in a relationship where yelling and throwing things was more common than goodnight kisses and holding hands made Ten consider that maybe that wasn’t the way love should make you feel. If Ten left then, things probably wouldn’t have escalated to the point they did, but one thing Ten _was_ conditioned to was never quitting. No matter how much it hurt, emotionally or physically, Ten didn’t quit. He kept trying to make things better, to make things safe; none of his attempts ever coming to fruition. It took his mother physically dragging him out of the apartment he’d spent the past two years living and suffering in, to realize that sometimes, quitting is the better option.

So really, Ten wasn’t born with self destructive tendencies, wasn’t born with insecurities that would eat him alive until his mind gave up fighting; he was conditioned to be that way. All thanks to his first relationship he got into at the tender age of seventeen, and got out of when he was almost twenty one.

It took him almost two years to even think about dating again, and while it wouldn’t be right to say that things went just as bad, it would also be a huge overstatement to say that things were good.

Ten tried to trust again, he tried to give his heart to someone new, but it just wasn’t working out. Every time he tried to dive in, he immediately felt like he’s drowning. The most detrimental part of the relationship was most probably Ten’s inability to open up about his past. It caused his partner to think that their relationship lacks trust or that Ten’s simply just leading them on, which spiraled into them throwing a few words at Ten, which just set his progress two years back, because while the words weren’t said with the same venom, with the same intent to cut deep, they still did.

The worst part of it was that this time, Ten truly felt like he deserved every insult that was thrown at him because he knew he was the one who fucked up. He was the asshole, he was the one tarnishing their memories with his constant hot and cold approach towards their relationship. Ten became what he spent years fearing himself – he was the person who forced people to quit because he drove them to a point from which they just didn’t see a way back.

That break up didn’t deter him from trying, though. He spent the next four years getting in and out of relationships in attempt to prove to himself that he’s not the bad guy, that he’s capable of loving again, only for all those relationships inevitably ending because while Ten tried to make people love him, he himself never actually tried to love again. He was trying to coerce people into giving him something he wasn’t willing to give back.

Within those years, Ten got used to hearing things about himself and his character that weren’t particularly nice to hear, but what scared Ten the most was the things _he_ said. He became the type of person to hurt others and then make them feel like it could’ve been prevented if _they_ tried. Ten rarely ever blatantly insulted someone, but he knew that all his partners would probably prefer being called a _stupid son of a bitch_ rather than the words Ten used to hurt them.

He wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, not really. But every time his actions and his behavior caught up with him, and the people he was with started calling him out on it, he just wanted to make sure that he won’t feel powerless again. He wanted to make sure that he won’t be the one who’s hurt; or at least won’t be the only one who is.

Retrospectively, Ten only hated himself more after each break up because he knew that he’s the cause of all the pain, his own and other people’s alike – he’s the root of it all.

Ten was twenty three when he met Yuta for the first time, but twenty six when he properly talked to him for the first time. Yuta was an acquaintance of one of Ten’s exes, but they weren’t close enough to the point where it would be awkward for the two of them to start talking. If what Yuta told Ten was true, he wasn’t even informed that Ten and his ex broke up because the day him and Ten met for the first time was also the last time Yuta saw Ten’s ex. They apparently messaged each other a few times on New Year’s or on each other's birthdays, but that was it.

How Yuta still remembered him after three years was beyond him, but he didn’t really care too much. What mattered to him was that he enjoyed Yuta’s company and that Yuta had no idea why Ten and his ex ended their relationship; it certainly wasn’t the _mutual agreement_ Ten framed it as.

Things seemed different this time, no matter how cliché that sounds. Yuta was different. The way he made Ten feel felt different; both emotionally and physically. Ten would never say anything negative about any of his exes (except the very first one), but he couldn’t help but feel that Yuta had something that none of them had. He couldn’t pinpoint what exactly it was, but it made Ten’s wall crumble with time.

Spending and enjoying time with Yuta came naturally, and Ten never had to force himself into texting first to appear interested, because he _was_ interested. He was excited for the days neither of them had to go to work and they were free to do whatever they wanted – be it a spontaneous hiking trip or a lazy day spent in bed with takeout for dinner. Yuta had this energy around him that just kept drawing Ten in, in a way he’s never felt drawn to anyone before.

They didn’t waste too much time before becoming official. Ten wasn’t one for big gestures, but he tried for Yuta because he knew how much of a romantic the latter was at heart, no matter how vehemently he sometimes tried to deny it. Ten wasn’t that experienced when it came to putting in effort, so he couldn’t come up with anything more original than a fancy dinner before a walk through the nearby park with just a few lamps here and there lighting up their surroundings, but Yuta seemed more than satisfied with that, and before they got to Yuta’s apartment that night, they became boyfriends.

Everything went smoothly and Ten was slowly starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, there’s hope for him when it comes to romance; Yuta was the chance. He was attentive, caring, supportive, affectionate – everything Ten could ever ask for and more.

Ten never considered, or even thought about, the existence of soulmates. To him, the whole concept was created only to sell stories and make little kids believe in true love; as unreal of a concept as Santa or eventual world peace.

However, Yuta made him question if soulmates really are _just_ a concept. The way he understood Ten without him having to say a word was something Ten’s never experienced before. Neither was the way Yuta knew exactly which buttons to push and which hair strand to pull to make Ten feel the best he’s ever felt with anyone the very first time they slept together. And it went the other way too. Ten found it extremely easy to get to know Yuta, to grow fond of him; all because their beings seemed to be completely intertwined with each other without ever having to settle for the trial and error method.

It didn’t take long before Yuta told Ten he’s in love, and while Ten wasn’t able to say it back just yet, the idea of it didn’t really scare him; or at least not to the extent it always had with all the other people who had told him the same three words Yuta did.

“I love you,” Yuta whispered then. They were in Ten’s bed, ready to go to sleep. “I know you won’t say it back, and that’s okay,” he sounded like he genuinely meant it. “I can tell that there are things you don’t want me to know, and I hope that one day, you’ll change your mind about keeping them a secret, but this is something I want you to know. I love you, Ten,” he finished before kissing Ten gently and turning around to go sleep right after without waiting for Ten to say anything.

Yuta most probably didn’t wait for a reply because he knew he wasn’t going to get one. It took Ten a few extra minutes before he wrapped his arms around Yuta the way he almost always did when they slept in the same bed, but he didn’t run from it, and that was a big thing for Ten. Not running.

There was a part of Ten that knew that he can say those words back, a part of him that knew just how true they would be if he just said them, but he couldn’t. Even five years after his first relationship ended, four years since he last felt any sort of positive feelings or longing for his ex, there was still something holding Ten back from letting himself fall. It wasn’t as much of his ex holding him back, but rather the state he left Ten in back then. He knew that he’s in love with Yuta, possibly even more that he’s ever been before, but there was a deep rooted fear in his brain that kept convincing him that admitting his feelings would only spiral into heartbreak.

No one’s ever made Ten feel as safe as Yuta; no one’s ever got this close to making Ten feel what he imagined pure love to feel like when he was an innocent kid, but it just wasn’t enough. Ten felt safe with Yuta, but the problem was that he forgot how to feel safe with himself.

The first time they argued was three months after they became an official couple. (Ten never lasted this long without an argument). It wasn’t anything particularly big, but it wasn’t a harmless argument either. After introducing Ten to his parents, Yuta kind of expected Ten to do the same, but the latter was hesitant – as he was with everything in their relationship. The argument didn’t last that long after Ten apologized and explained that he’s just not really used to relationships getting this serious and that’s why he wants to wait a bit longer, and Yuta understood.

The wind passed, but only to get ready for the storm that was about to come, because that was the first time he lied to Yuta (he wasn’t counting the initial lie about why Ten and his ex broke up). Ten _was_ used to relationships getting serious; he’s been introduced to the families of almost everyone he’s ever dated, he just never introduced anyone to his family.

At first Ten told himself that he just wants to make sure he won’t bring home anyone like his first partner ever again, but after a few failed relationships he realized that it’s really just because he doesn’t see any future with the people he’s dating since he knows that he’s going to do something to ruin the relationship sooner or later. Ten’s family knew _about_ the people he dated, but they didn’t know _them_.

Everything felt different with Yuta, but that didn’t mean Ten was magically changed, rid of all the insecurities that his brain spent years guarding. He still wasn’t able to tell Yuta he loves him, he still hasn’t told him about his first relationship and the aftermath of it, he still wasn’t willing to dive in.

He tried to be a good boyfriend to Yuta despite all of that; he listened to Yuta vent about work, he held him when he came home exhausted or when he simply just wanted to be held, he kissed him in a way he’s never kissed anyone before, hoping that the kiss would speak the words he couldn’t say for him. Ten did his best to make things feel like love without having to truly commit to falling, and it worked for a while, but there is only so much patience a person has, and Ten was already lucky that Yuta had so much of it.

“I don’t get it,” Yuta sighed. They were arguing again; it wasn’t the first time nor was it the second or third. “I feel like I’m giving you a lot of space to go at your own pace, but I can’t keep going like this forever – without ever getting a confirmation whether you’re in this with me or not,” Ten was quiet. He always was during arguments, because he was always in the wrong, so there wasn’t much he could say for himself.

“Could you at least pretend to care?” Yuta cried. “You never say anything and that really makes it hard to believe that you want to be in this relationship while I’m here trying to show you how much I love you every single day,” Ten hated seeing Yuta cry, mainly because ninety percent of the time it was his fault. Ten wasn’t trying to play any games, but it always ended up looking like that’s exactly what he’s doing. He didn’t like hurting people, but somehow that’s what he ended up doing every time in attempt to not allow himself to lose control of his feelings.

_Yuta was different. The way he made Ten feel felt different; both emotionally and physically._ However, the way they ended, the way Ten _made_ them end, was the exact same. “Maybe next time you should give your heart to someone who has one,” Ten finally said.

_Ten would like to say that he didn’t mean what he said, but that would be a lie. The truth was that while he would like to _not_ mean it, his mind was filled with so much insecurity and doubt about the people close to him that he ended up meaning every single word; every part of his own uncertainty that he projected onto the person he loves – he meant it all._

He knew the second those words left his mouth that he broke Yuta’s heart. No matter how much he tried to avoid the inevitable, he ruined yet another relationship just to have a false sense of control. Yuta didn’t say anything at first, but he didn’t have to – it was very obvious how he feels. The two of them just stood there, in the middle of the living room with Yuta crying and softly sniffing, and Ten just looking at him because he wasn’t sure what to do.

Yuta was the one to eventually break the silence. “I deserve better than letting you hurt me, and you deserve better than pushing everyone away even though you don’t want to, and I really hope that you’ll realize that one day,” he said before stepping closer and putting his hand on Ten’s cheek. He then looked into Ten’s eyes and whispered, “I still love you,” before connecting their lips one last time.

Ten kissed back right away because that was just the instinct his body developed when it came to Yuta, and he could taste the tears on his lips. The kiss was painful but also beautiful, and Ten wrapped his arms around Yuta’s waist to pull him closer because he selfishly wanted it to last at least a few seconds longer.

Only when Yuta pulled away and used his thumb to wipe the tears off of Ten’s face did he realize that the tears he could taste during the kiss were his own.

“Maybe one day, we’ll get another chance,” Yuta said with a sad smile before pulling away completely and leaving the room. Ten wasn’t sure where he’s going and he couldn’t bring his own body to move, but once he heard the front door close, it was very obvious where Yuta went.

Ten forced Yuta to quit.


End file.
